I am 32 and newly-widowed. It has been 3 months and 2 day since my big loss! I lost my husband Ian on May 11, 2013 to an aggressive cancer -Acute Myleoid Leukemia, so called Blood Cancer. I decided to write about being a widow hoping to record my changes. According to my counselor, watch for the changes and it will get better. We had been together for more than 5 years in total. 2.5 years dating and 2.5 years married.
Lately I am becoming sharply aware of my loss. I had been covering my sadness since the day he was diagnoised until recently. The realization of that familiar person you sleep on your bed is NO LONGER coming to bed for the rest of your life except in spirit. I believe in after life thus I believe in spirits. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. Feeling your heart being torn apart and no one came to rescue you in those dark night hours.
I am going through various negative emotions: anger, sad, depressed, lost, heartached and more.
Not until today, I did not understand why this happened to us. A book called "Beyond the darkness - my near death journey to the edge of hell and back" by Angie Fenimore. I recommend this to everyone especially people who have suicidal thoughts. I had suicidal thoughts but this book killed that idea. Yes, it is true. Your body dies but your soul lives forever.
One thing I am disappointed is that not a single friend understands what I am experiencing. We are all too young to know about the death of your romantic partner. If it did not happen to me, I would not understand either. So I don't blame them. But I feel so alone especially when the uncontrollable emotional wave emerges sunddenly.
I really miss my honey. I visit him in the cemetery every week. It is heart-breaking to lose someone you love dearly. One time I saw a Chinese show telling a touching love story of an old couple in their 60s. On the day they were going to marry in their early 20s, he never made it to their wedding. He was injured at his work, construction site. He lost physical sensation below his neck. She took care of him since then and she is 65 years old now. They live a hard life. She wears waist-protection belt to hold him to different spots in their limited-space home. Journalist asked her how she feels. She said she is very happy to be with him. Their fun activity is him singing in Chinese forklord music and she dancing the music in front of him. I cried so hard after seeing how tough she is and the fact that at least she still gets to see her lover and I do not even have this opportunity anymore. I bent my knees on our living room carpet floor and crying so hard. I almost wanted to kill myself at that moment. It is not easy to grief for the loss of your spouse. However, this is part of life as long as you are in a romantic relationship with someone. Either one of you will experience this sooner or later. Unfortunately in my case, I have it sooner. But our memories will be my soul soup to keep me happy.
I don't like anyone telling me "you are still young". To me, it is not a comforting saying. It simply implies you will move on and find another Mr. Right. Even if there is a slightest chance of that, I do not want to think about that right now. It just hurts even more. Why can I not be with one guy and be with him until we are old? I must be very naive. Whatever, it is not gonna happen, face the fact!
I felt I was being punished before I read that book but now I know the reason I am still here is that I have a purpose or a mission to complete. Ian has done his so he was called by God to return to "home". I am still on a mission to search my purpose in this life. What happens in life is complicated enough but I guess what is beyond life is even far more complicated and only God knows how to make it work. I am opening my mind to acknolwedge his existence. (I came from a Buddhist family background.) I feel a betrayl to Buddha if I believe in God or Jesus. However, I have been quite vulnerable lately and I keep getting clues in real life that God knows my suffering. More than 2 coincidences made me realize. (the violin concert that I accidently saw on the bullenten post outside a Korean supermarket. I attended and I cried silently at every single Holy song they played. The started with Amazing Grace and my tears running in my eyes already. And 2 young Asian girls approached me as missionary while I was waiting for my ride at a skytrain station.)
I hope you don't critize me or my writing. I have people in my life that tell me I did right or wrong but I don't want it here. Thanks. I meant no offense to anyone. It is simply a voice of a young widow who is in all kinds of emotional challenges on top of a duty to carry every human's physical body needs.
Below quoted from the book mentioned above:
"The absolute, all-encompassing love that I felt when I stood there within the light taught me that, regardless of what we must pass through, life is good. It is the gift of God, who loves us. He sustains us with words of encouragement, but we must be open to hearing Him. He sends messengers-people and spirits- who can help us, but we must recognize them."
I have more to say but it is getting late. Until next time.
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