I survived another day

Yesterday I had another big wave of "grief attack" after a series of reminders of my loss. I met up with a very positive friend Christina. She is a survivor. We met in the hospital last year. She is the most positive person I have known in my life. We had a great time catching up. Her husband is also very supportive. They are another a fun couple I know. I wish to keep in touch with her forever. We had breakfast and exchanged gifts. We were so cute with gift exchange. We both wanted to cheer each other up.

Then I spent all afternoon organizing our office cabinet with all our finance and personal files. My husband had always been the one to take care of these. He is a responsible and cautious person. Naturally, this responsibility fell on his shoulder. I have been learning to handle everything on my own with some help from friends and professionals. My head was getting heavier as piles became organized. Then I contacted a financial advisor to discuss option to close his account. She was shocked and said he was so young and a bright young guy. After the phone call, I just couldn't hold it anymore. I cried. I then had a phone conversation with my best friend in Taiwan. I don't usually get emotional during "daylight". I thought I was ok then went on with daily business until I sat in our bedroom, exhausted from lack of sleep, I was crying again. Luckily I had told my brother I would be coming home to tell him about something. I pulled up my body with strength and knowing I will be seeing our house cat "Momo (means peach in Japanese)" and hoping they could rescue me from this agony. They somehow did but not entirely. This grief journey is really so difficult. I nearly lost my desire to live after the attack. I realized you cannot think "rationally" when you are "emotional". The book I mentioned helped but it didn't work when I am in this state of mood. I went on to organize our book shelf and was installing a cubical box, bought from IKEA previously, to put stuff in it. I enjoyed doing something to distract my attention. I had another long chat with a local friend. She phoned while I was finding peace with the installation. She is a Christian and gave me some comfort with her belief and her own life experiences. That ended yesterday. I survived another day.

I am going away to visit Ian's aunt in San Jose, California this weekend to early next week. Hope a change of scenery will lift me up further in terms of peace level. I am rescheduling my next counselor's appointment until I am back.

I also realized I need to DO something like going back to school to learn a skill or start working part-time. I cannot live like this. Filling my day with all sorts of activity on a daily basis. I need a sense of security from routine lifestyle.

Will I go back to Taiwan soon? Yes? Maybe? Going back and forth with this decision....