There is still anger inside of me that needs to be let out.
Lately I got a message about love. It is the only thing in life that matters but I think that could also be the only thing that kills you. Also it matters where you get your love from, people, pet or hobby.
I have come to understand I am the only one who can give myself this love I need. No one else can give me that, especially after the death of my husband. Different people either approach me with an agenda or not approach me for either not wanting to hurt me by saying the wrong words or lack of care.
It is so sad. This human world we live in, so many wars and natural diasters. All result from humans.
Humans are filty beings. We appear to be angels on the outside but deep inside it is corrupted.
Why do we become like this? It is in our nature. If only animals or non-human beings exist in this world, would earth be a lot cleaner?
I am disturbed by my grief and what is happening or not happening around me.
With all the positivity and encourgement, today it is out the window. I say it's CRAP, period.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Sunday, August 18, 2013
God's words of encouragement
Lately I have been finding comfort in books.
I was not a fan of books until I touched these books lately.
There is so much wisdom in it.
This journey has begun for me before I even realized it.
I did not know I started grieving before my husand passed away.
I knew I had to mentally prepare for his passing to avoid shocking pain.
Counselor said people who started grieving cope better than those who did not.
Friends say I am strong. I am not sure if I truly am.
I just know I have no choice.
Who is going to protect me if I crash?
Who is going to look after our apartment?
I am on my own now. I think this is innate survival skill.
I relied too much on my husband. He was in charge of most of the things at home.
There are so many angles to look at this drastic change.
A way to learn independence or a punishment of past mistakes
Either way it doesn't matter.
I am on my own now.
What upset me a little few days ago was I found out that
our marriage certificate is void once one person passes.
I now have a big question on my mind is
WHO AM I NOW?
WHAT IS MY STATUS?
I think I cannot move forward without knowing the answers.
What should I say when I meet new people?
If I tell them the truth, will they turn their head away?
I hope I will find my peace again.
This afternoon I played with frame-me app on my iphone and made these 4 pictures.
I enjoy them so much.
It is good to know I can still be creative.
Life is still good.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
I survived another day
Yesterday I had another big wave of "grief attack" after a series of reminders of my loss. I met up with a very positive friend Christina. She is a survivor. We met in the hospital last year. She is the most positive person I have known in my life. We had a great time catching up. Her husband is also very supportive. They are another a fun couple I know. I wish to keep in touch with her forever. We had breakfast and exchanged gifts. We were so cute with gift exchange. We both wanted to cheer each other up.
Then I spent all afternoon organizing our office cabinet with all our finance and personal files. My husband had always been the one to take care of these. He is a responsible and cautious person. Naturally, this responsibility fell on his shoulder. I have been learning to handle everything on my own with some help from friends and professionals. My head was getting heavier as piles became organized. Then I contacted a financial advisor to discuss option to close his account. She was shocked and said he was so young and a bright young guy. After the phone call, I just couldn't hold it anymore. I cried. I then had a phone conversation with my best friend in Taiwan. I don't usually get emotional during "daylight". I thought I was ok then went on with daily business until I sat in our bedroom, exhausted from lack of sleep, I was crying again. Luckily I had told my brother I would be coming home to tell him about something. I pulled up my body with strength and knowing I will be seeing our house cat "Momo (means peach in Japanese)" and hoping they could rescue me from this agony. They somehow did but not entirely. This grief journey is really so difficult. I nearly lost my desire to live after the attack. I realized you cannot think "rationally" when you are "emotional". The book I mentioned helped but it didn't work when I am in this state of mood. I went on to organize our book shelf and was installing a cubical box, bought from IKEA previously, to put stuff in it. I enjoyed doing something to distract my attention. I had another long chat with a local friend. She phoned while I was finding peace with the installation. She is a Christian and gave me some comfort with her belief and her own life experiences. That ended yesterday. I survived another day.
I am going away to visit Ian's aunt in San Jose, California this weekend to early next week. Hope a change of scenery will lift me up further in terms of peace level. I am rescheduling my next counselor's appointment until I am back.
I also realized I need to DO something like going back to school to learn a skill or start working part-time. I cannot live like this. Filling my day with all sorts of activity on a daily basis. I need a sense of security from routine lifestyle.
Will I go back to Taiwan soon? Yes? Maybe? Going back and forth with this decision....
Then I spent all afternoon organizing our office cabinet with all our finance and personal files. My husband had always been the one to take care of these. He is a responsible and cautious person. Naturally, this responsibility fell on his shoulder. I have been learning to handle everything on my own with some help from friends and professionals. My head was getting heavier as piles became organized. Then I contacted a financial advisor to discuss option to close his account. She was shocked and said he was so young and a bright young guy. After the phone call, I just couldn't hold it anymore. I cried. I then had a phone conversation with my best friend in Taiwan. I don't usually get emotional during "daylight". I thought I was ok then went on with daily business until I sat in our bedroom, exhausted from lack of sleep, I was crying again. Luckily I had told my brother I would be coming home to tell him about something. I pulled up my body with strength and knowing I will be seeing our house cat "Momo (means peach in Japanese)" and hoping they could rescue me from this agony. They somehow did but not entirely. This grief journey is really so difficult. I nearly lost my desire to live after the attack. I realized you cannot think "rationally" when you are "emotional". The book I mentioned helped but it didn't work when I am in this state of mood. I went on to organize our book shelf and was installing a cubical box, bought from IKEA previously, to put stuff in it. I enjoyed doing something to distract my attention. I had another long chat with a local friend. She phoned while I was finding peace with the installation. She is a Christian and gave me some comfort with her belief and her own life experiences. That ended yesterday. I survived another day.
I am going away to visit Ian's aunt in San Jose, California this weekend to early next week. Hope a change of scenery will lift me up further in terms of peace level. I am rescheduling my next counselor's appointment until I am back.
I also realized I need to DO something like going back to school to learn a skill or start working part-time. I cannot live like this. Filling my day with all sorts of activity on a daily basis. I need a sense of security from routine lifestyle.
Will I go back to Taiwan soon? Yes? Maybe? Going back and forth with this decision....
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
First post from a widow's voice
I am 32 and newly-widowed. It has been 3 months and 2 day since my big loss! I lost my husband Ian on May 11, 2013 to an aggressive cancer -Acute Myleoid Leukemia, so called Blood Cancer. I decided to write about being a widow hoping to record my changes. According to my counselor, watch for the changes and it will get better. We had been together for more than 5 years in total. 2.5 years dating and 2.5 years married.
Lately I am becoming sharply aware of my loss. I had been covering my sadness since the day he was diagnoised until recently. The realization of that familiar person you sleep on your bed is NO LONGER coming to bed for the rest of your life except in spirit. I believe in after life thus I believe in spirits. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. Feeling your heart being torn apart and no one came to rescue you in those dark night hours.
I am going through various negative emotions: anger, sad, depressed, lost, heartached and more.
Not until today, I did not understand why this happened to us. A book called "Beyond the darkness - my near death journey to the edge of hell and back" by Angie Fenimore. I recommend this to everyone especially people who have suicidal thoughts. I had suicidal thoughts but this book killed that idea. Yes, it is true. Your body dies but your soul lives forever.
One thing I am disappointed is that not a single friend understands what I am experiencing. We are all too young to know about the death of your romantic partner. If it did not happen to me, I would not understand either. So I don't blame them. But I feel so alone especially when the uncontrollable emotional wave emerges sunddenly.
I really miss my honey. I visit him in the cemetery every week. It is heart-breaking to lose someone you love dearly. One time I saw a Chinese show telling a touching love story of an old couple in their 60s. On the day they were going to marry in their early 20s, he never made it to their wedding. He was injured at his work, construction site. He lost physical sensation below his neck. She took care of him since then and she is 65 years old now. They live a hard life. She wears waist-protection belt to hold him to different spots in their limited-space home. Journalist asked her how she feels. She said she is very happy to be with him. Their fun activity is him singing in Chinese forklord music and she dancing the music in front of him. I cried so hard after seeing how tough she is and the fact that at least she still gets to see her lover and I do not even have this opportunity anymore. I bent my knees on our living room carpet floor and crying so hard. I almost wanted to kill myself at that moment. It is not easy to grief for the loss of your spouse. However, this is part of life as long as you are in a romantic relationship with someone. Either one of you will experience this sooner or later. Unfortunately in my case, I have it sooner. But our memories will be my soul soup to keep me happy.
I don't like anyone telling me "you are still young". To me, it is not a comforting saying. It simply implies you will move on and find another Mr. Right. Even if there is a slightest chance of that, I do not want to think about that right now. It just hurts even more. Why can I not be with one guy and be with him until we are old? I must be very naive. Whatever, it is not gonna happen, face the fact!
I felt I was being punished before I read that book but now I know the reason I am still here is that I have a purpose or a mission to complete. Ian has done his so he was called by God to return to "home". I am still on a mission to search my purpose in this life. What happens in life is complicated enough but I guess what is beyond life is even far more complicated and only God knows how to make it work. I am opening my mind to acknolwedge his existence. (I came from a Buddhist family background.) I feel a betrayl to Buddha if I believe in God or Jesus. However, I have been quite vulnerable lately and I keep getting clues in real life that God knows my suffering. More than 2 coincidences made me realize. (the violin concert that I accidently saw on the bullenten post outside a Korean supermarket. I attended and I cried silently at every single Holy song they played. The started with Amazing Grace and my tears running in my eyes already. And 2 young Asian girls approached me as missionary while I was waiting for my ride at a skytrain station.)
I hope you don't critize me or my writing. I have people in my life that tell me I did right or wrong but I don't want it here. Thanks. I meant no offense to anyone. It is simply a voice of a young widow who is in all kinds of emotional challenges on top of a duty to carry every human's physical body needs.
Below quoted from the book mentioned above:
"The absolute, all-encompassing love that I felt when I stood there within the light taught me that, regardless of what we must pass through, life is good. It is the gift of God, who loves us. He sustains us with words of encouragement, but we must be open to hearing Him. He sends messengers-people and spirits- who can help us, but we must recognize them."
I have more to say but it is getting late. Until next time.
Lately I am becoming sharply aware of my loss. I had been covering my sadness since the day he was diagnoised until recently. The realization of that familiar person you sleep on your bed is NO LONGER coming to bed for the rest of your life except in spirit. I believe in after life thus I believe in spirits. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. Feeling your heart being torn apart and no one came to rescue you in those dark night hours.
I am going through various negative emotions: anger, sad, depressed, lost, heartached and more.
Not until today, I did not understand why this happened to us. A book called "Beyond the darkness - my near death journey to the edge of hell and back" by Angie Fenimore. I recommend this to everyone especially people who have suicidal thoughts. I had suicidal thoughts but this book killed that idea. Yes, it is true. Your body dies but your soul lives forever.
One thing I am disappointed is that not a single friend understands what I am experiencing. We are all too young to know about the death of your romantic partner. If it did not happen to me, I would not understand either. So I don't blame them. But I feel so alone especially when the uncontrollable emotional wave emerges sunddenly.
I really miss my honey. I visit him in the cemetery every week. It is heart-breaking to lose someone you love dearly. One time I saw a Chinese show telling a touching love story of an old couple in their 60s. On the day they were going to marry in their early 20s, he never made it to their wedding. He was injured at his work, construction site. He lost physical sensation below his neck. She took care of him since then and she is 65 years old now. They live a hard life. She wears waist-protection belt to hold him to different spots in their limited-space home. Journalist asked her how she feels. She said she is very happy to be with him. Their fun activity is him singing in Chinese forklord music and she dancing the music in front of him. I cried so hard after seeing how tough she is and the fact that at least she still gets to see her lover and I do not even have this opportunity anymore. I bent my knees on our living room carpet floor and crying so hard. I almost wanted to kill myself at that moment. It is not easy to grief for the loss of your spouse. However, this is part of life as long as you are in a romantic relationship with someone. Either one of you will experience this sooner or later. Unfortunately in my case, I have it sooner. But our memories will be my soul soup to keep me happy.
I don't like anyone telling me "you are still young". To me, it is not a comforting saying. It simply implies you will move on and find another Mr. Right. Even if there is a slightest chance of that, I do not want to think about that right now. It just hurts even more. Why can I not be with one guy and be with him until we are old? I must be very naive. Whatever, it is not gonna happen, face the fact!
I felt I was being punished before I read that book but now I know the reason I am still here is that I have a purpose or a mission to complete. Ian has done his so he was called by God to return to "home". I am still on a mission to search my purpose in this life. What happens in life is complicated enough but I guess what is beyond life is even far more complicated and only God knows how to make it work. I am opening my mind to acknolwedge his existence. (I came from a Buddhist family background.) I feel a betrayl to Buddha if I believe in God or Jesus. However, I have been quite vulnerable lately and I keep getting clues in real life that God knows my suffering. More than 2 coincidences made me realize. (the violin concert that I accidently saw on the bullenten post outside a Korean supermarket. I attended and I cried silently at every single Holy song they played. The started with Amazing Grace and my tears running in my eyes already. And 2 young Asian girls approached me as missionary while I was waiting for my ride at a skytrain station.)
I hope you don't critize me or my writing. I have people in my life that tell me I did right or wrong but I don't want it here. Thanks. I meant no offense to anyone. It is simply a voice of a young widow who is in all kinds of emotional challenges on top of a duty to carry every human's physical body needs.
Below quoted from the book mentioned above:
"The absolute, all-encompassing love that I felt when I stood there within the light taught me that, regardless of what we must pass through, life is good. It is the gift of God, who loves us. He sustains us with words of encouragement, but we must be open to hearing Him. He sends messengers-people and spirits- who can help us, but we must recognize them."
I have more to say but it is getting late. Until next time.
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